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New beauty products; they are announced with all the seriousness of a revolutionary new cure in slick television commercials, promising everything from cellulite free thighs to obscenely thick eyelashes. I love the pseudo scientific language models regurgitate; Penelope Cruz struggles with monosyllabic English on a good day, hearing her say hyaluronic acid is hilarious. Does anyone actually believe that Clean and Clear releases mini-tornadoes which swirl around the face blasting away black heads? And speaking of Penelope Cruz, L’Oreal, for whom she is chief spokeswoman for, recently got a rap on the wrists for using fake eyelashes in a mascara commercial. Now I watch intently for the disclaimer on the bottom of ads; “model wears a wig made of shine-enhanced baby otter hair, styled by John Frieda Himself and shot in a professional studio under 22w PAR-38 Flood, 950 Lumens lighting."

United Colors of Benetton, giving jobs to 'colourful' people, whether fire crotched or African

The only thing worse than really fake is really sucky… Take the Dove ‘Real Beauty’ campaign. I don’t buy their warm and fuzzies- United Colors of Benetton did the weird/ethno beauty thing ages ago at any rate. Dove uses models that we are meant to believe are the people who walk among us. However, disrobe the average train commuter standing mushily close to you in peak hour and you will discover spider veins, tuck-shop arms and a smattering of backne. They want us to believe they are democratic by giving a befreckled ranga a job modeling. Gee thanks.

Here are some beauty brands that you can disarm your bullshit radar for. 

Kosmea- A brand started by a South Australian stay-at-home mama of Greek descent- it utilises the healing properties of rose hip in its products. The head-office is in a converted 19th Century church in the Adelaide hills- nice. Organic, light and feels great on any skin type. Good pharmacies stock it across Australia. 

Dermalogica- Products are researched by the International Dermal Institute. They contain no artificial colors, synthetic fragrances, alcohol, lanolin or mineral oil- bad stuff. Pricey, but wonderful results. Available at David Jones.

Kiehls – A New York brand (since 1851), with no-fuss packaging endorsed by a host of celebrities. Its gentle formulas are pH balanced and use natural ingredients. Available at Myer.

Any other golden products?