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Vintage shopping. It's a son of a bitch. In fact, I liken it to the age-old custom of a first date. You go in with high expectations that you're going to come across a rare find, possibly even the love of your life. If you succeed, you leave on a high that your a professional at your hobby and you can't wait until the two of you meet again. But if you fail, your hopes are dashed and you're back to being a lonely old maid.

It's a sad and sorry tale, but one that can be a thing of your past if you learn to shop (and date) effectively. There are a few ways you can be become an expert in this field.

Firstly, you could take the theory approach. Get yourself a library card and some heavy-duty No Doze, because this involves you staying up until the wee hours of the morning until you can cram so much information into your brain about vintage history, designers, textiles and popular fashion trends that you can simply copy a new look for every day of the year. Personally, this isn't my favourite method because you're not really being a fashionista (which is what vintage is all about, darrrrrling), you're actually just being a big fat copycat from Ballarat.

Secondly, you could take the Back to the Future approach. This involves you climbing into a time machine and shooting yourself back to a time before you were born, and instead being born to an uber-cool magazine editor, head of a high-end fashion house or infamous 70's rockstar. In these instances, style is hereditary. You can actually thank your lucky genes (and jeans!) that you've got it goin on.

Thirdly, you could be blessed with The Eye. This is characteristic that comes to you naturally, which only sharpens with practise. If you have The Eye, you're story usually goes a little something like this: you walk into a vintage store or op-shop and pick the ugliest dress you can find. You take it home, take out the shoulder pads, chop the hem, cut off that extra frill and throw it all together with stockings, a belt and a hat - all from opposite sides of the colour wheel - and abracadabra, you just became the next Edie Sedgewick.

Lastly, you could bunker down for a few weeks and watch repeats of the Rachel Zoe Project, over and over and over again (guilty). The theory approach versus the Rachel Zoe Project approach is a little like reading the book when you could have watched the movie. At the end, you should have watched so much of the show, you can recite how many fur coats Rachel has in her closet, how many Starbucks she orders an episode and how many Xanax she pops a day. Ohhhh, my bad. (I was just joking Rachel, I love you).

If this is all a little too much for you and you'd like to take the easy way out, you've come to the right place. This is a list of instructions so fool-proof, people will actually think you invented vintage. This is how to shop for vintage fashion:

1. Don't discriminate against sizes. I am a size 8-10, and the things in my closet range from size 8 to size 26. If someone looked in my closet, they would be very, very confused. If you pick a pair of pants or shorts too small for you, hitch them up higher and button them at your waist (instant high-waist!) If it's a top that's too small, cut it lengthways down the front to make a vest. If a dress is too big, cut it short and wear it as a mu-mu, or cinch the waist with a belt. If it's pants, wear them as a paper-bag waist (it'll catch on soon). If you have long sleeves, use pins to scrunch them up to achieve the baggy look. If it's still obviously too big or small but you really love the fabric, chop it up to make headbands, belts or scarves. There will usually be extra material, so maybe you can make doubles for your friends as presents. If you struggle creatively, find a good dressmaker who can transform your piece into anything your heart desires. Your dressmaker will become your best friend and one day, you might even be giving them scarves as presents.

2. Try things on before you decline to buy. The majority of my closet looks disgusting on the hanger. But when it's on, people say "yeah... I see it". Take a belt in with you - I guarantee it'll totally change your look. Hitch it up to see if you like it short, take out the velcro shoulderpads, and hold the fabric taut if you plan on taking it in. For example, the other day I bought an electric blue lace fishtail bridesmaid dress. Once I take out the fishtail bridesmaid part, it will just be an electric blue lace dress. And electric blue lace is hot. Use your fashion eye.

3. If you find a pair of shoes you love, but it looks like the person who wore them didn't even own a pair of shoes, consider getting the inner soles replaced. Same goes for heels, too.

4. Keep your eyes peeled for real labels at op-shops. Even if you don't like the piece, you might be able to sell it on Ebay for a mint. Once, my friend bought a scarf for $5 with the suspicion is was a label. She got it valued and it was Hermes. Real Hermes.

5. With charity being the exception (that's just being plain stingy), don't be scared to haggle down prices for faults such as missing buttons and stains. This is especially true if you suspect it might be unfixable. Usually the prices are so inflated, they shouldn't mind cutting a few dollars for a genuine fault. Markets are a different story. Within reason, you should always haggle. Haggle like your on Bangla Rd, baby. They raise prices for this reason, and they expect it. I think they might even love it.

6. Be honest about whether you'll actually wear your new purchase. Use the golden rule - if you can think of three things already in your closet that you could wear it with, it belongs to you. If you can't, go home and have a look and come back for it another time (hopefully it's still there). If you're planning on altering it, do so immediately to avoid it sitting in your closet like that forever.

7. Always look out for good quality, timeless pieces that would usually cost you a fortune. This might include winter coats, real leather, glomesh bags, and again, real labels.

8. It might sound yuck, but when buying hats use a headlice treatment of vinegar solution on it and put it out in the sun before you wear it, just in case. I have a feeling you’ll be the yuck one if you catch headlice.

9. Don’t bypass other departments just so you can get to the clothing. Items like jewellery boxes, suitcases, retro gym bags, hat and bag racks, sunglasses/reading glasses, novelty cameras, books, furniture, jewellery and throw rugs can all make for one very stylish home.

10. ALWAYS wash or dry-clean your clothing before you wear it. If you had of seen the colour of the water after I took my leopard print anorak out of the sink, you would have dropped dead. It looked like the Loch Ness Monster lived under there. And you were about to put it straight onto your nice, clean skin. Ew.

11. Be creative. Wear skirts as dresses, scarves as turbans, pants as shorts, dresses as tops, shirts as vests...

12. Don’t sweat the small faults. I once bought a black belt for 50c with gold metal removable lettering that spells Moschino. It is my favourite item in my closet, and I wear it probably every second day, but there is one small problem – it’s missing the I. I swear people don’t notice. Then I found the same belt in tan, which spelled Escada, but missing the S. When I bought it, the woman says to me “You do realise this is missing a letter?” as if I think Ecada is a word. Little did she know I had another S waiting for me back home on my other belt. Booyah.

13. Don’t discount underwear... seriously. I’m not talking about wearing an old pair of see-through underwear, I’m talking camisoles and slips. Camisoles can be worn as a top under suits, and slips as skirts. Who knows, you might even find a tutu in the petticoat section. If you wear the slip properly by dressing it up or clashing it with another piece, people will know you didn’t just forget your pants. They’ll know you did it for fashion purposes. This is also known as pushing the boundaries, and we all know how I feel about pushing the boundaries.

Congratulations Class of 2009, you just passed Vintage School.

Photo: www.retrostarvintage.com.au

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